Day 27 - Infatuating Distraction

I know, I am undoubtedly weird. When I read scriptures, I do not only see the verses in the context of the what is being said in each chapter and book, but I also see relationships between certain verses and my life that can be rather random at times. So, please bear with me and read this post.

~*~

"Every word of God is pure; He is a shield to those who put their trust in Him" (Proverbs 30:5).

Have you ever been attraction to someone? No, honestly, have you ever met someone and just felt a spark? Not love, just an attraction? You can tell me that you have never felt attracted to someone of the opposite sex, but I probably won't believe you. (Yes, I can be stubborn like that sometimes.) Okay, so if you have ever been attracted to someone, then perhaps you have also wished for a shield, something to hide behind because do not want anyone to see your heart. You are struggling to guard you heart with all diligence,

"Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life" (Proverbs 4:23).

but it can be so hard!

I was reading in Proverbs the other day and came across Proverbs 30:5 which talks about how God is a shield to those who put their trust in Him. I have also been re-reading Joshua Harris' I Kissed Dating Goodbye and when I read this verse my mind quickly connected the words "attraction" and "shield." If God is a shield to those who put their trust in Him, I thought, then when we feel unwanted attraction---make that distraction---then perhaps we should pray that God be our shield and hide us from the emotions that threaten to take over our sensibilities? Picture the proverbial princess and knight tale. The princess is in distress, the villain Attraction and his identical twin Distraction are trying to steal the princesses most precious jewel, and then picture a grand and shining knight riding in on his majestic white stallion and with his shield he holds the villains at bay protecting the princess' treasure.

Our hearts are the treasure, and Satan is the villain who throwing temptations and distractions our way trying to pull us further from God. When we cry out for help, the Lord hears our cry (Psalm 34:17) and puts out His shield to protect us.

Keeping our hearts with diligence is a never ending battle, and sometimes we wonder if giving in would be all that bad. If the person we are attracted to never knows, then what harm could a little dreaming about "what ifs" do? Have you ever been tempted by this thought? I know I have. So, what harm can it do? There are several ways it can be harmful, and those ways may very from person to person, but one thing remains true for everyone. When you are attracted, just face it, you are often distracted. Distracted as you carry out your daily duties, and most importantly distracted from your relationship with God. Ah, ah, I know what you were going to say. You were going to point out that every dating or courting, or for that matter, newly wed couple you know is distracted, and you were going to ask me if I thought that was a bad thing. Nuh-uh, we aren't going there. You see, attraction often leads to an unhealthy infatuation if dwelt upon too much, and infatuation in some cases is okay, but not when it is founded on your imagination alone. When two people are involved and the feeling is mutual and marriage is the intent of the couple involved, infatuation can be a good thing. But, like I said, infatuation that is one-sided usually is not healthy or good.

What is my point? Attraction will happen, and I don't intend to hide in a deep dark cave somewhere to avoid it, but I do have a plan. I am going to start praying that God will shield my heart. Not necessarily from attraction itself, but from infatuation and distraction. Let's face it. Alone we do not always have the sense nor will power to guard out hearts as diligently as we should. We need help. Instead of praying that trying situations go away, I am going to be praying that God will use these situations to grow me. I will pray for His protection and strength, for I need His shield.

So, you see, I often find strength and direction from Scripture in somewhat randomly wonderful ways. :)

Fairytale It Isn't

Would you count yourself as a wise level headed young lady? Do you know that marriage is not exactly a fairytale? Surely you have had examples to watch, parents, grandparents, neighbors, someone. Surely you have seen the disagreements, arguments (I am not saying these should be the norm). Marriage is not all strawberries and cream, and lasting marriages do not just happen.

Recently I was reading a book that talked about marriage. The author said something to the effect that in every marriage, somewhere along the way the fairytale feelings of pure bliss fade away. He did not mean that you would no longer love each other, just that the "in love" feeling that our culture is so caught up in, will fade. This is when the foundation of your marriage is tested.

I wanted to deny this. I wanted to laugh and say, "Yeah, but when my turn comes..." But, the truth is, as time passes you will begin to see more of his or her faults, and if you are not careful you will begin to criticize everything he does. You will began to hold her to all too perfect standards. There may be some other reason, but the fact remains, that the complete joy that you had in your spouse on your wedding day will fade. This is where hard work and commitment have come in.

When that fading happens you need to be ready. "How can I be ready," you ask. First off, remember I am not married, but I have had some pretty awesome marriages to watch, so be patient with me and please feel free to correct me if I am wrong, but this is how I see it. The way to be ready is to take time getting to know each other before you are married. Not just what foods you like, or dislike, but you need to share what you are learning from the Lord. You should discuss theology, children, occupations, homes, everything.

If you want to be a truly wise young person you will seek godly counsel, you will take your time in getting to know your future spouse, you will move forward with caution, and you will listen to your parents!

One day, I hope you find your happy ever after, but as for me, I have already done so. Now, now, Mom, do not panic! I am not talking about marriage here. Marriage would be an incredible gift from God which I would love to experience someday, but marrying will not lead anyone to happily ever after. Only a personal relationship with Jesus Christ can do that.

If you have not accepted Jesus Christ as the Lord of you life, may I urge you to not prolong your wait for your happy ever after. He is waiting, all you need to do is ask.

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but shall have ever lasting life" (John 3:16).

A Matter of Trust

"I was thinking...if I can't trust my husband's decision to not ask for me now, how can I trust him when we are married? If I'm thinking why, in the world won't he ask, isn't that setting myself up for not trusting his decisions when we are together?"
~ Grace & Beauty

Wow, that is a tough question to answer. I cannot pretend to have the best answer, but after a few weeks of thought I do have a few thoughts to share. Can you believe that? :)

Let me start out by sharing a true story. There once was a young lady who desperately wanted to get married yet as her youth slipped away, no prince charming appeared. She struggled with trusting God, her questions were many, and her heart ached. She did not understand. If God had placed such a strong desire in her heart for marriage, then why didn't He hurry Mr. Slowpoke future husband along?

After years of struggling with these questions, she finally lay her deep desire for a husband at the feet of Jesus. A short while later she met the man that would become her husband. As she got to know him many pieces of the puzzle fell together. You see, when she was graduating from high school, he was 11-years-old. When she was in her twenties and grumbling because n husband was in view, he was in junior high and high school. This young lady's story is unique, in that it illustrates that just because you are ready now, does not mean that your future spouse is.

Now it may not be an age gap that delays your getting married. It might be spiritually maturity, relative job security, college, health issues, or any number of things. The point is, God's ways are not our own (Isaiah 55:8-9). Yet His way is the way. For His ways are high and you cannot understand them all (Psalm 139:6). But may I encourage you to wait upon the Lord, trust in Him. For He will give you strength (Isaiah 40:31). Strength to endure any amount of hardships and any amount of waiting.

Did you ever stop and think that the guy you are going to marry might want to marry you now, but God is telling him, "Not yet"? This wait might not have anything to do with the young man's desires, but everything to do with God's. If that is the case couldn't you trust him? If he is earnestly seeking God's will, and being obedient to God's voice, wouldn't you trust him, because you trust Him? Wouldn't you honor his choice, because you honor the fact that he honor's His desires?

Perhaps you are right. If you ask questions like, "Why won't he ask now?" You may be setting yourself up to not trust him later. But did you ever think that you are might be looking at this whole matter from the wrong point of view? Maybe it is not your future husband you don't trust, but God.

Like I said when I started out, I do not pretend to have all the answers and I am not sure exactly where you are coming from. These are just a few thoughts that your questions evoked. I truly hope they may have helped a little.

In Him,
Kathryn

If Only...

It is natural I suppose, that in my group of friends there has been a lot of talk about marriage. We are in that age group of what commonly is considered to be of a "marriageable" age. I have enjoyed many of our discussions for many good points have been made, but it concerns me that many of my friends seem almost desperate to marry. Comments to the effect of, "Where is he/she?" and, "What is taking so long, I am ready, yet..." have fallen on my ear more times then I care to count. Don't get me wrong. I am glad to know young people who understand what a good marriage is, and who are planning to marry and raise a family well-grounded in Christ. In fact, I would even say I am thrilled to the very tips of my toes, but I am tired of all the comments that show impatience. To me it sounds like they are saying, "Hey, God, are you listening. I am ready, so where is my guy/girl? Huh?" or "Hey, God, You don't know what you are doing. Now is the time for me to meet the love of my life and marry." All the comments about where their future spouses are and why it is taking so long, sound like a slap upon the face of God. It is as if they are saying that we. mere humans, know what is best for us, and God doesn't. I know that isn't what my friends me, far from it for they love the Lord with all their hearts, but in their inpatients for their special someone, deep down they are telling God they can't trust Him. They may not even realize that this is how, or what, they are saying. But this is how it is coming across, so don't think I am lecturing them, because I am not. I am just sharing what has been on my heart.

I've been there too. At one time (not so long ago) I really struggled to fill my heart and thoughts with Jesus. I was obsessed with the thought of getting married. In fact, I thought marriage was the answer to all my problems. Foolish girl. Deep down I knew that I needed a deeper relationship with God, not a man in my life to distract me from my biggest, most important purpose in life, serving God. Several things happened that pointed out to me how my obsession was not healthy, and open my eyes to the truth. Marriage wouldn't solve all of my problems. No man could. Only God could. Little by little God chipped away at my heart, and began to reveal to me the beauty of His perfect plan. Faced with the reality of five or more years of singleness, I cringed, but God kept working on me and asking me if I truly trusted him. Could I put my life, my future, into His hands? I re-dedicated my life to the Lord, promising to seek Him out and fall in love with Him. I laugh when I think about how blindly I made this promise. It looked so easy, that path so smooth, but as time went on, rocks did appear. Every day I must continue to lay my life down at His feet, and beg Him to place a deeper desire in my heart for Him. Every day He gently guides me forward...into the unknown.

I still look forward to one day, God willing, marrying and raising a family. It is only natural. At first when these desires began to resurface, I felt guilty. No, I wasn't to think of marriage, only of God, I would reprimand myself. Time, growth, wisdom, and the words of others began to show me a thing or two about the matter. Thinking of marriage wasn't all bad. I could think about it without compromising my promise. There are practical aspects I need to think about. I just need to steer clear of idle dreaming. It isn't easy let me tell you, but with God it is possible.

I often will be right in the middle of something around the house or at work and all of the sudden I will think, "I wander what he is doing just now? Wander where he is?" I smile and shake my head. "No, dreaming," I tell myself, as I smile and get back to what I was doing. Yet, I hardly ever can leave it at that. Images pop into my head of a smiling face, and hand clasping mine, a voice speaking softly with words only for my ears. My smile grows wider and my eyes take on a dreamy look. Then, I shake my head again, "No, I can't be doing this," I tell myself. "God, I know I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts, because they are making me discontented. But, Lord, You know my heart, how I long for the day when I will know him. Lord, help me not to dwell on the future so much just now, but to focus on what you have for me today. And, Lord, I just can't go without asking you to be with him. Wherever he is, Lord, just watch over him and help him through his day. Grow him in You. Help him to be a man after Your heart. May he honor and glorify You in all that he does today, Lord. Guard his eyes, his heart, his mind from all the wickedness that tempts, Lord. Be his strength, his shield, in Jesus' name I pray, Amen."

I am quiet for a minute, then I get back in the swing of my day knowing that God is in charge. That He does have a plan, and trusting that He will work it out perfectly in His time. I now longer have to worry about the "If onlys..." cause He has got it all in the palm of His very capable hand. And, that my friends, makes me smile.

But...He's so Cute...

Okay, so don't tell me that you have never had a crush on a guy. I think every girl deals with this problem. Problem? Yes, I say problem, because whenever your mind becomes so consumed by something of this world that there is not much room for things of God, you do have a problem.

It starts out when you are a little girl. A new boy comes to your church. He is well mannered, good looking even to your little girl eyes, and you decide you like him and will marry him some day. It is not complicated. Just a simple, foolish little girl thought. As time passes and you grow older you look at a boy and judge whether he is worth your time by evaluating his character and his looks. As your list of "must have" qualities grows, so does the amount of time you spend thinking about him in a, uh-um, "romantic" way. There is where the problem comes in. Soon you become consumed with dreamy thoughts of what it would be like to be loved by him, married to him, and have a family with him. Not only can these thoughts rob your time with God, they can also make you discontent with your present life.

I will be honest. I have had many crushes through the years. Some short lived, some that drug out for over a year. From personal observation I have found that crushes are very draining on a girls emotional well being. If I had a crush on a particular guy and he never even looked my way I began to ask myself what was wrong with me. Why wasn't I desirable? My immature brain never gave thought to the fact that maybe he was not yet old enough to be looking for a wife. As time passed I begin to realize how harmful crushes could be, contrary to what most people will tell you, crushes are not cute and painless.

Having discovered that crushes were not something I desired anymore, I was puzzled, how did one not have a crush. I had always been under the impression that you could not help it. Crushes were just something that happened right? Wrong. Crushes are something that take time and are stemmed from a desire to love and feel loved. In other words, every girl is responsible for whether she has a crush or not. You can feel attracted to someone, and find him handsome, but that does not have to lead to a full blown crush. Below are some steps you can take to fight these feelings:

1. Take captive every thought for Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5) This means when thoughts like, "Is he the one?" come into your mind, you must dismiss them. Instead pray. Ask God to help you take your thoughts captive for Him. Thank Him for being in control of you future. Tell Him that you trust Him. "Set your minds on thing above," as Colossians 3:2 challenges. Choose not to let your mind dwell on "romantic" thoughts, for it truly is a choice.

2.Acknowledge your weakness. Do not lie to yourself about the attraction you may feel for a young man. Admit it to yourself and God, then pray. At the time it may seem impossible to dismiss this man from your thoughts, but God says that nothing is impossible if He is by our side (Luke 1:37).

3. Galatians 6:9 says: "And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." While nipping down these feelings of attraction may be hard, in the end we will reap the rewards of a peaceful heart, a life lived for God not men, and because we will know on our wedding day that we remain faithful in guarding our hearts for our future spouse, the knowledge that you are worth your future husband's trust (Proverbs 31:11).

4. Lastly God instructs us to give thanks in everything (Ephesians 5:20). When you are struggling to keep your thoughts on God, not on the handsome guy across the room, you might not be able to see what it is you have to be thankful for. How can you thank God for feelings you do not want? I'll admit, this is the hardest part for me, but if you look at it as thanking God for being your strength when you are weak, or thanking God for these unwanted feelings because they make you realize your great need for Him, then it does not seem so hard.

The biggest mistake girls make is in thinking that crushes are something they cannot help. Once you realize that you can control your feelings to the extent that they will never have a chance to grow into anything other then thoughts, then you can began battle. You do not have to remain captive to emotions, and let downs any longer. With God as your help, you can learn to look at boys and young men as brothers in Christ, not just potential husbands.

Once you can do this you will no longer have so many awkward silences. Instead you can communicate God's love in a deeper more meaningful way. It may be hard, but it is well worth the effort. And that is coming from a girl who has been there, done that, too many times to count.

Hope for the future. Peace for the soul. Find it in God.

"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" (Romans 15:13).

Courtship Talk

Relationships between young men and women can be a hot topic. I have mentioned before that as a young girl I thought you had to date before you got married. It was all I had ever seen or heard of. As a teen I began to read and hear about courtship and within a short amount of time was convinced that courtship was the only right way to go about getting to know a prospective spouse. I was adamant; courtship was the only way to go. Period.

I began to discuss the topic with my friends and found it very frustrating that they did not see eye to eye with me. Some agreed that you should wait until you were of a marriageable age before pursuing any close relationships with someone of the opposite sex, but they did not all agree that courtship was the only way. It used to make me want to shout at them, "Don't you see? You are wrong. I am right!" Over the years the topic has come up time and again with my friends, probably in part because it is one of those topics I do not have the sense to stay away from. I found it interesting to hear what my friends thought about courtship versus dating, what they have read, and what they have been taught on the subject, and yes, there have been a few hot moments.

As time has passed I have come to see my friends' points of view are not "all wrong." They have taught me that no one's relationship is going to look just like someone else's. I have learned that it is not so much about what you call your relationship, but what your definition of that relationship is. Still, even though I do agree that relationships will vary as each person's circumstance varies, I believe that there are a few key guidelines that couples would be wise to follow.

My mom has always emphasized the wisdom of waiting until you are ready to marry to pursue any kind of romantic relationship. She meant several things when she told me this. One, that a young man does not seriously pursue a girl until he is financially able to support her. Second, that both the young man and the young woman are mature enough for marriage. It is easy to become infatuated with someone, but it is a lot harder to love someone faithfully for the rest of your life. If a young person is not ready to be responsible or commit to marrying someone, then they are not ready to seek any type of romantic relationship. I have not always agreed with this but over the last few years have found it to be a sound bit of advice. Why pursue a relationship with someone and potentially get emotionally attached if you are not ready to consider marriage. This road will lead you to break-ups and heartache. To my way of thinking, there is no point in such a relationship and it can set a harmful pattern of getting together and breaking up, a pattern that is just setting you up for divorce.

Another thing I have read many times that makes so much sense, is if you are going to get married and you know it, than do it. Why wait? This only opens the door to temptation. You began to think of the other person as belonging to you. You think, "Oh, it is okay if we kiss all the time, after all we are going to get married." Next thing you know, this logic has taken you to far and there is no turning back. God meant for intimacy to be special, and He meant for it to be saved for marriage. Whether or not you plan to marry one day or not is not the issue. Being faithful to God is. If you know you are going to get married, do it. Do not drag it out, if you are not ready for marriage financially or emotionally, then you should not have allowed your relationship to escalate to this point.

As a guy, if you are not ready to support a wife, but a certain girl has caught your eye, maybe you even feel God is telling you that she is the one, then do the honorable thing, wait. Do not pursue a deeper relationship with her that will awaken emotions better left sleeping. Waiting will make the prize all the more precious in the end. Are you afraid that if you do not say something someone will steal her away? Look at it this way. If she is God's chosen one, then you have nothing to worry about. Right? Everything will work out in His timing.

If you are a girl, and you know that a guy is the one for you but you also know that he is not ready for marriage, do not push him. Keep your distance. You can be friends, but do not try to be more than that to him. Wait on the Lord, and pray for your special guy. If he really is the one, then God will open his eyes to you all in good time. Do not make the first move. Let him. It is all about God's order and the way He meant for things to happen. In the end, your young man will love you more for knowing that you waited patiently for him to grow up and get to a place where he could support you. In the end, you will be happier then you ever thought you could be.

The number one issue in my book would have to be, do not pursue a relationship unless you have the blessing of your parents, and you feel that God has given you the green light. God gave us parents and godly counselors for a reason, if we refuse to seek wisdom when we are looking for a spouse, we may end up covenanting our lives to a person we will grow to hate. Our parents know us better sometimes then we know ourselves. They may be able to spot something in the other person that we cannot see because we are too close. We are infatuated, but they are not. They are not looking through rose-colored glasses. They see the whole picture, right past the good looks and charming manners to the heart. No, I do not believe in arranged marriages, nor do I feel that parents are always the best judges, I am just saying, that if your have godly parents, or mentors, they sometimes can spot things that you will be unable to see, and the wisest thing you could possibly do is seek their advice.

Often times young people reach their twenties and wonder where their Mr. or Miss. Right is. They start looking at everyone of the opposite sex as marriageable material. Instead of being able to enjoy the company of others as just friends, they feel pressured to always be on their best behavior just in case so and so is their future spouse. If that is not ridiculous, I do not know what is.

I love spending time with two of my friends because I can tell when they interact with guys that the last thing on their mind is marriage. They are kind, considerate, and always willing to help out or have some fun, but they look at guys as brothers in Christ, not marriageable material. That is the way all young folks should view each other. Not as future mates, but as children of God.

I do not claim to be an expert on relationships, nor do I claim to always be right (I have hopefully learned my lesson in that area), but I am always looking for opportunities to share the wisdom that has been passed on to me in hopes that it will save someone else some heartache and help to guard them from those emotional scars which are much to common these days.

If you are longing for someone to love and share your life with, may I encourage you to think about what I have shared today? As you pursue a relationship, remember that though your story will be different then others, and that there is really not one "right way," that there are some steps you can take to guard your heart, and make your season of courtship or dating be one of the best seasons of your life.

Keep your eyes upon the Lord and seek His will.

In Christ,

Kaomi

Waiting, Not Dating

I am concerned. Yes, I really am. I see so many young girls who are all wrapped up in their boyfriends. That is all they ever think or talk about and you can tell that they have lost their hearts to these boys.

As long as I can remember my uncles and aunts have asked me, "So, do you have a boyfriend yet?" I always laughed and said, "No." I knew that it was stupid for an eight-year-old to even think of such things, for to my way of thinking if you had a boyfriend that meant you were dating, and if you were dating that meant that the next thing in line was marriage, and at eight, getting married was a long way into the future. But so many girls and boys feel pressured into this mode. It is supposed to be something cute and amusing, and maybe it is for the grown-ups watching, but those poor little girls are getting hurt. They feel that if a boy breaks up with them they have a problem. Something is wrong with them. Their hearts are being scarred, and for what?

I recently have been hurting for a friend of mine. She isn't even eighteen yet and she is very emotionally involved with a young man. He is nothing more then and boy. He is not capable of giving her the love or support she is looking for, neither is he ready to make a life-long commitment to her, yet she has given her heart to his keeping. I hurt for her because I see heartache in her future. Yes, he seems like a really good kid, but he is just that, a kid. It will be years before either one of them is ready for marriage. So much could happen between now and then.

Why do parents allow, and even push, this type of harmful behavior? Do they not see what it does to their daughters and sons emotional well-being? And think of how many teens could be saved from poor mistakes if they just did not date until they were ready to consider marriage.

I wish I could talk to every girl in the world about this. I wish I could tell them to wait. To guard their hearts, to wait on the Lord, and to use their energy to serve Him.

So, for those of you who agree with me, that waiting and not dating is the key to greater future happiness. Join me in getting the message out. Talk to your friends. Encourage them to wait. If this concept would catch on, I think our world would be a better place.

For those of you who are waiting and not dating. Do not loose heart. You are not alone. Keep your eyes on The Prince. Waiting can be hard, but in the end, it will all be worth it.

In Christ,
Kaomi

What About Rules?

Once you have decided whether to call your relationship dating or courtship, it is time to establish your definition of what that term is going to mean for you, or in other words, set some boundaries about what your future relationships will be, or will not be. For example, what will your boundaries be for physical contact, time alone, and family involvement?

I say boundaries, because the term rules sounds stiff and often causes people to become defensive. This is not about making a long list of what you will, or will not do. This is about knowing yourself well enough to know where you can go, and what you can do, and not be tempted to do that which endangers your purity. Every family, even every individual person, will have their own lists, because we each have different weaknesses, and we each have different convictions. Because of this, there cannot be a "one plan fits all" deal. For Cammy, it might be okay if she hugs a young man, it may just be a sign of friendship, but for Ann is might not be okay, because for her it might evoke emotions that are better left sleeping until she is married. If you know something will tempt you to think or do something that could lead to compromising your purity, then do not do it.

I think when it comes to setting guidelines you have to be careful. There is such a thing as too many boundaries. You need to weed it down to those which are necessary and to those which are just personal preferences, and be open to change. I am not saying give up your boundaries when some young and handsome man comes along just because he thinks your ideas are stuffy, I am saying do not make "rules" like, I will not get to know a guy who has a beard, just because you prefer clean shaven men. Do not make a lists of petty unimportant things. You could very well miss wonderful opportunities that God has planned for you if you get to detail oriented and narrow minded. But, you must realize that boundaries are necessary, as long as you do not go over board.

This process is best done with the guidance of you parents and/or godly mentors. You as a young person who has never been in a relationship, may not be sure whether your requirements are over done or not. It is also a process that needs a lot of prayer and plenty of careful thought.

Personally I have chosen to call my future relationships courtship. I love the old-fashioned and romantic picture the word conjures. I also love the fact that courtship, on the whole, is viewed as a relationship that is more serious and that is carried out with the idea of ending it in marriage. Fun-filled relationships that are shallow, but often end in heartbreak, are not my idea of wise relationships. The pattern of breaking up over and over again has been proven to set a pattern that can, and often does, affect marriage relationships, and sets a course that leans toward divorce. That is not a road I am interested in traveling.

When I get a chance I will post my lists of boundary lines for my future relationships. Remember we are not talking about a strict rules that you have to follow and if you do not, you will somehow be a bad person. We are talking about wisely placed boundaries put in place to protect your purity and heart until marriage. Also, do not take my list and apply it to your life. Your life and family are different then mine. The boundaries I need, may not be necessary for you, or you may have something that needs to be on your list that is not on mine. Make your own list. Personalize it, pray about it, seek counsel about it, and make it a list you can stick to.

To God be all glory,

Kaomi

The Name of the Game

One of the hot topics when people start discussing courtship vs. dating is which is better. Some people say, "We dated and we've been married fifty years." Others say, " We courted and divorced after five years." So which is better? There have been dating relationships that have worked out wonderfully and courtships that have ended in disaster.

The thing that we need to get a grasp on before we go any further is, the name of the game doesn't matter, so much as whether the directions to the game are biblically sound or not. As Christians this should be our number one concern.

Say your family loves to play Nuts (a card game). One day you are gathered with some friends and you challenge them to play Nuts. You explain the game and they say, "Hey, that sounds like Peanuts. We love that game!" Come to find out it is the same game, just they call it Peanuts and you call it Nuts.

It can be that way with dating and courtship too. Not all dating relationships are bad and not all courting relationships are good. It is not so much what we call our relationships, it is more the focus of our relationships. Whether you choose to call your relationships dating or courtship is totally up to you.

The reason that a lot of Christians like to use the term courtship is because dating evokes images of frivolous, fun filled, undirected, undisciplined relationships, where as courtship speaks of cautious, fun filled, disciplined, purposeful relationships. We will get more into that later.

To sum things up, the name of the game is just that, a name. If your name is Susan and your sister's name is Christa, that does not make one of you better or worse then the other. Your behavior is what defines who you are. The same with dating and courtship. The name does not mean a whole lot, it is the behaviors of those involved that define the terms, and that is the bottom line of the issue.

Right Way, Wrong Way, Which Way to Go?

As a young girl I dreamed of the day I would wear a long white gown and carry a bouquet of flowers walking down a long aisle to my beloved and pledging my life to his. I often wondered how I would meet him and how long we would date before we got married.

When I was just reaching my teen years I had a bomb dropped into my lap. My mother and I were talking one day. She was telling me about how she and my dad met and about some of the dates they had gone on. Then came the shocker, the "I hope you don't date," line. Not date? If I did not date, how would I ever meet my prince charming? If I never dated, I would never meet any men, I would never marry. My dreams were shattered before my childish eyes. I did not understand, but instead of asking my mom how she expected me to meet a man worthy of my heart and hand and not date, I kept silent in my confusion.

Inside I was fuming. "Well, you can say what you want, but I will too date!" I was angry because I did not understand. I was confused. If I did not date, I would not marry. That was how it worked right? For somewhere around a year I continued in a state of confusion about the "not dating" thing. Then my mom gave me a book, Waiting For Her Isaac. It is a story about a Christian home schooled girl and how she matures into a marriageable young women. She meets a lot of struggles on the way, like moving, not having any like-minded friends nearby, an accident, and more. But the thing that struck me most about the story was the family's approach to marriage and how to get to know a guy before you marry him.

They used this term that I had heard before, but thought was so out-of-date that no one really used it anymore. Courtship. That was when I begin to wonder if perhaps there was another way. If perhaps dating was not the one and only way to meet and get to know a man before marriage.

Since then, the topic of courtship vs. dating has fascinated me. I read everything about it that I can lay my hands on. It has become a topic I am passionate about. Why? Because I feel sure that there are girls out there who are looking for the same answers I was not so long ago. If you do not date, then what, and is dating really so bad in the first place?

In the next few months I would like to write a series of articles and share with you what I have learned about dating vs. courtship.