December 1, 2010
"Yes, if you cry out for discernment, and lift up your voice for understanding, if you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will understand the fear of the LORD, and find the knowledge of God" (Proverbs 2:3-5)
Last night when I went to bed I found my heart in turmoil. All day I had been struggling because I knew that God was asking for some of my time. He wanted me to take time out of everything else for Him, and for Him alone. Distractions, things that "had to be done" filled my day. As bedtime drew near I felt Him pleading with me to just take a few moments to talk to Him. I didn't want to, and yet I did. I wanted to watch a movie, but I knew that God wanted me to not do so and just be still and listen. I argued with myself as I prepared for bed and then ended up watching the movie. "God, I do love You and I want to be close, but I did all that I knew how and it backfired last week. Why should I try again tonight? I am tired. I don't want to talk about it."
It was a mistake. I knew it then just as I do now. As I went to sleep tears trickled down my cheeks. "I am sorry God..." I whispered, "I just don't want to be disappointed again. I know myself too well. I know that no matter what I do, I always slip away from You after a while because I just cannot seem to keep up my guard. I am tired of the struggle. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do..." Somewhere along about that time I feel to sleep.
When my alarm went off this morning I reached for my Bible, prying my eyes open, as I shuffled through its familiar pages. I was going to try again. I had known when I went to bed the night before that I would. I can never give up on God. I have been close to His heart before, I was so happy there. I cannot help myself. I am pulled to His presence like a moth to a light on a pitch black night. He is my light. My hope. My future. Human nature causes me to stumble, to trip, to want to lie on the ground and never get up. But He pulls me on.
With this knowledge I opened up to my Proverbs for the day and found words there that were like a flash of lightening. "If you seek her (understanding) as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the LORD." All the sudden I made a resolve. I have always sought the Lord. I have always wanted what He has to offer, peace, joy, fulfillment. Yet, as much as I have desired these things, have I ever sought Him like a treasure seeker in search of gems and precious medals? Have I ever been that diligent? I have awoken day after day committed to seeking Him all day long?
God is amazing. When you reach the point where you feel you just cannot keep trying, He reminds you to look deeper, seek harder. He also reminds you that you cannot stay in close fellowship with Him on your own strength. In our weakness, He is strong (2 Corinthians 12:9). Isaiah 40:31 says: "But those who wait on the LORD, shall renew their strength." "Fear not for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand" (Isaiah 41:10), God promised Israel. If God promised to be with, and strengthen, His children then, do you not think that He would say the same to His children today?
"Today is a new day with no mistakes in it," as Anne of Green Gables would say. Today God has blessed me with another chance at learning to love Him as He has called me to do. Sacrificing selfish pleasures for the sake of walking with the Almighty should never be so hard, but it is. Yet, even though it is a daily battle, I find that I cannot help but get back up each morning, struggle to put on my armor and prepare for whatever battles may lie ahead. God is who I am. Once you see the Light, there is no way for you to go but up. Oh, but that one day I could say that not only is God who I am, but I am who God is...