Despising the Gift?

The sun beat hard my forehead as my eyes scanned the horizon.

A puffing breeze made the warmness just bearable.

"Lord God Almighty, Creator of the universe...You are powerful,

Your might extends across the heavens and the earth.

Your love to all generations..."

My eyes descend the earth just in front of my feet.

"You are amazing in every way, and you love me..."

I shake my head.

"Then why is it that I feel so empty? Why will this thirst not be quenched?"

My skin is sticky, but I stay there in the sun.

Waiting.

Hoping for an answer.

I sigh and turn to go in, out of the mugginess, the question still there.

"Why?"

The day moves on. I focus. I work hard. I accomplish many goals.

And yet, I want more. I even think that I need more.

I clock out. The work day completed. I sit back, I pray.

"Father, fill me up. Be my everything. My all.

Let this ache, this burning ache, go away. Be my comfort. Still my heart."

The day goes on and I do some chores, get ready for the next day.

Yet, in it all the whispered prayer for more, for deliverance

continues with each breath.

The sun is setting, the breeze has cooled, and the smell of rain lingers in the air.

I walk slowly along the familiar gravel pathway, listening to the rustling

of the wind running through the fields.

The prayer from earlier echos even stronger within my heart.

"Lord, my God, my Father -- I know that You do all things well and for good...

but why must this ache persist? Why must I always feel like

a pilgrim in the desert, dying of thirst?"

I listen as I walk, and pray for more of Him and then it comes.

A question.

"What if this ache isn't suppose to go away? What if this thirst isn't supposed to die? What if the very thing you beg for Him to take is the very gift

He gave?"

I stand still as the wind tugs at my hair.

I stare up into the cloud-filled heavens. I smell rain's sweet sent.

"What if this thirst, this ache for more, was a gift?

Hadn't I just prayed the day before, telling Him that I wanted to long for Him more than ANYTHING?

What if this was the answer?

What if this need, this brokenness, was the gift?"

My mind wondered.

2 Corinthians 12:9 came into focus.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness."

Was this weakness? Was this where His strength could be

perfected? Where glory could be given?"

"Maybe once again I was trying to get rid of the pain and discomfort that was meant to be kept?

Maybe I was trying to be whole when I can best serve Him

broken?"

The thoughts continued to tumble.

"Yes, maybe this thirst so deep that nothing but Him alone can satisfy was a gift. Maybe it wasn't something to try to shake

or loose, but something to embrace. To treasure.

Maybe this ache that kept driving me to my knees and into His arms

was something I didn't want to loose?

Maybe it was a reminder

of how very wonderful and awesome He is?

Maybe it was what I'd been praying for all along? A chance to never, ever

loose sight of His face. To never stop seeking Him with

all that I am?"

I began to walk again.

"Thank You, Lord, for meeting me here.

For speaking to my weary and longing heart.

Thank you for reminding me that sometimes we shouldn't seek to

escape the hardship, the weaknesses, but instead we should embrace them. Cling to them...because in that brokenness and need, there are You found.

There are You glorified."

The corners of my mouth lifted into a little smile.A sigh made its way from my heart to my lips.

He always meets me here. In the quite. In the stillness.

He always meets me here and whispers words into my ear that I never dreamed I'd hear.

His grace is amazing. His love and mercy never ending. And His

steadfastness is as constant as the rising and setting of the sun.

And once again my soul rejoices, because He is GOOD.

~~~~

"Who have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth:

but  God is the strength of my heart

and my portion for ever."

Psalm 75: 25 & 26

Even Here

The crunching sound of feet pounding on gravel.

The smell of dust as it swirls on the wind, blowing from a nearby cotton field

freshly plowed.

My breath comes quick, inhaling, exhaling at an accelerated pace.

In out, in out. My lungs begin to tire, yet I push on.

I glance down at my feet, willing them to keep stepping, and then up again at my distant goal.

Closer and closer. I can make out more detail, see the familiar growth that lines the side of the road.

I squint my eyes, and breath hard.

I can do this. I will my legs to keep on taking steps, my feet

to keep rising and falling.

This is the second time to day, running down this road.

The second time to urge my legs to keep on moving, my feet to crunch the gravel.

My mind starts to wonder a little as I keep pressing, pushing into

what was a breeze that is now a wind.

But no, I focus. One foot, and then another. This is not the time or place for deep thought. I look ahead, nearly there now.

I reach my goal, a corner post standing up among the weeds.

I gasp for air as I turn to walk the other way, to cool down.

I look into the golden glow of the sunset. I do not marvel at it's beauty this time.

I just glance down at my dusty shoes.

Thoughts come.

I cannot outrun them. I sigh.

 "Father, I don't know Your plan," I whisper. "And now, right now...right now I cannot even see Your hand."

I glance up, and see brown air in the distance. Dust on the wind.

"I want to see...but more to know, to trust..."

I bite my lip, I close my eyes for just a minute, my feet still walking me forward slowly.

"Lord, I know that You are there, I know that You care...

I know You see my heart.

You are GOOD..."

I sigh, softly pushing air through drying lips.

My heart is heavy as it thumbs hard against my ribs. I know He's listening so I stop. I turn to face the wind and close my eyes.

"You formed me, You rescued me, You know my heart...You are my God..."

I scrunch my eyes tight and slowly exhale.

"I don't know where You are taking me. I don't understand why...

But I'll trust You...for today."

I open my eyes and look up at dirty blue with a now golden hue. I look way up at the sky.

"Tomorrow...I cannot promise. I want to...

But I may falter...I may even run..." I whisper within my heart, knowing He hears.

I wish to be brave, to be strong, but I know the truth. I am weak.

I always fail. I always run.

I turn and beginning walking slowly homeward. Yes, I always run...

But He doesn't stand back and watch me leave.

I blink hard at the wetness in my eyes. No, He never lets me go alone.

He runs with me.

Right there beside me.

A verse I memorized long ago comes to mind as I continue homeward.

"Whither shall I go from Thy spirit?

or whither shall I flee from Thy from they presence? If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold,

thou art there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the

uttermost parts of the sea;

Even there

shall Thy hand lead me, and Thy right hand shall hold me."

Yes, even there when I am running.

Even there when I am afraid. He's always there. He's holding, He's leading.

Yes, He is GOOD.

My lips turn slightly upward, the burden starts to slip away.

My hands relax at my side.

Yes, He is Good...even here. Even when I can't see.

Even when tomorrow is unknown.

Yes...especially here.

"On the day I called, You answered me; my strength of soul you increased."

Psalm 138:3

Pixels of the BIG Picture

May 22, 2013

 

I was thinking of how I often have prayed, "Lord, open my eyes so that I may see things more like You do." And then when He does, I squirm and I want the "extra sight" to go away. I don't want to be burdened by the hurts and sins I see. I don't want to ache day and night over my own sins and failings. I just want life to be easy, and I want to be happy. I want life to be about me, because I am selfish. The truth is, life isn't about me. It wasn't ever meant to be. It was meant to be about Him. So today I've been asking myself, do I really want to see as He sees? Do I really want my heart to ache as His must? It will cost...am I willing to die to self? I'm not saying that God doesn't find joy in watching His children. He does! But it only takes one look into the world through eyes that He has opened just the tiniest bit to see how much pain there is as well.

 

Praying that we may see as He does in some aspects is good, but have you ever thought about how overwhelmed we would become if we even so 1/100,000,000th of what He sees? We could not carry such burdens, no rejoice with half as much exuberance as would be needed....He sees the BIG picture, and we just see a few pixels.

 

When we ask God for things, we should always remember to ask it in the spirit of, "if it is Your will" and "if it is good for me." What we think we want and what we really need are two different things. I don't know about you, but I find it comforting to know that He knows my needs and He gives accordingly. Even when it means not answering my prayers for more of something because He knows that I am not ready for more.

He Finds Me Here - Part 2

Read Part 1
 

The days were busy, the goals many. I pushed forward, rushed here then there. Each day was filled so full. I was doing good things, wasn't I?

Yes, My Lord must be pleased. I was serving His people. Making them feel treasured and special. And that counted for something,

didn't it?

Only, you see, I was missing it. He, the Mighty Savior of all creation, longed for something more from me. He who healed the lame, made the blinded eyes to see.

He who died and rose again on day three. No, He holds the power of

heaven and earth within His all capable hands. It wasn't my efforts that would make the greatest difference. It was His love. The love which

He gives freely to all who will receive.

I am called to love others as self, but above this I am called to love Him

with all that is in me. All that I am.

In the rush, the busyness, the "good," I lost sight of the Hope, the Way,

the Truth. I made myself a god. I was responsible for

the happiness and joy of others. I was hope to the world.

Do you see the problem? The mistake?

In the midst of my self-sufficiency, I lost sight of Him. Memory of my sins and failings grew so large within, that breath died within me.

No matter of hard work or giving of self could wipe away the stains.

Hope languished, died.

How could He love me? Me, who's sins

nailed Him to a tree? Me, who's heart was full of darkness?

So, in those days the truth was hidden, I was blind and could not see.

Through His mercy, through His grace, over time He worked, spoke truth and became new within.

Open my blinded eyes that I once more might see, His truth, His grace, His love for me. He died, not so that I could become perfect in and of me, but that

in Him I might be set truly free. In Him be perfected.

In my weaknesses, He made strong.

In my weaknesses Him glorified. Lifted high. In me, His righteousness be shown.

In me, His great love be known.

It was never,

never about me. Always about Him. And when I lost sight of that truth,

I lost sight of Him too. I lost sight of His love, mercy, grace.

All I could see was my failings. Blinded by them,

life lost its appeal. But, thank the Lord, in that darkness He came, came

and rescued me once more. Showed me truth, love, such great

love. Showered me with His care.

And in those mostly-alone-days He extracted from my heart

such joy, such praise. I was saved once,

but each day He continues to ransom, continues His love, continues His redemption. I shall falter. I shall fail.

Yet, in the end His love always will prevail.

What a wondrous God do we serve!

He Finds Me Here - Part 1

The sky is dark, all but the lights in the distance that speckle the horizon.

The house is quiet, but not too quiet.

"Bump-ity-bump," the dryer balls spin round and round

amongst the still damp towels.

The hum of the dishwasher and my computer add to the comforting, homey sounds as I await my families return.

 

I breathe deep and revel in the relative stillness of the house.

This time has been good. God has been good. In this mostly-alone-time He has showed me more of Himself. Whispered truths into my worn and weary heart.

He loves me.

 

I struggled to know this not so long ago, doubt and lies trying to rob me of my hope and trust.

But here, here as time balances between the new and old years, even if only for a few hours, here He met me. Here He linked truths together so that I would know.

 

Here He removed doubts, uncovered lies.

Here He made my heart to rejoice again in His truth and love. Here He made the passion and deep joy spring forth once more.

 

A familiar sing song rhythm beats within, slow and sweet.

Each breath becomes a prayer. A praise.

 

I've missed this. When did it slip away? All day the question comes and goes. When had the sweetness faded, the joy gotten lost?

Prayer, a Picture of Dependence

"P.T. Forsyth once said, 'The worst sin is prayerlessness.' Does this statement surprise us? We usually think of murder and adultery as among the worst offenses against God and humanity. But the root of all sin is self-sufficiency--independence from the rule of God. When we fail to wait prayerfully for God's guidance and strength, we are saying with our actions, if not with our words, that we do not need. Him. How much of our service is actually a 'going it alone'?" 

~ Charles E. Hummel

Tyranny of the Urgent

-----------------

 

If you understand the depravity of humankind, the thought that you are self-sufficient and can successfully walk through life alone is laughable. Until you realize that you often live as though you were sufficient, not prayerfully waiting upon and seeking the Lord.

Perhaps you have been there? You say that without Him you are nothing, you admit that there is no good in you, but you go about life, rarely stopping to speak with the Lord. You life is full, you are too busy. Any prayers are whispered on the run, and most often consist of "help me, help them, bless us" and little else.

What kind of relationship is that? You never stop to listen, never stop to have deep conversation. Isn't it hollow, empty? Doesn't it say that you do not need them/Him to exist? That you can "go it alone"?

I've been there. More times then I wish to count. Oh, thanks be to the God of mercy Who opens our eyes that we might see!

My prayer today, as we enter this holiday season, is that we will realize that the most important thing we can do, the most urgent thing, is to stop and spend time in prayer. He is the source of good, He is the One Who saves the lost, it is in Him alone that we have hope and that we can offer hope.

 

"Be Thou my strong habitation, where unto I may continually resort."

Psalm 71:3

Washed White As Snow



Do you ever find that grace is hard to comprehend, especially the grace of God? Have you ever struggled not to view yourself as the blackest and most vile of sinners even after salvation? Someone whom God has slopped the white paint of His grace over, much like someone slopping white paint on a black wall, trying to hide the darkness but failing so that blackness peeks through and shadows the white. You see yourself as though you are only a partly covered by His grace, but underneath is your pitch black soul. You think, but how could He love me, does He not see my sin, my worthlessness and failings? You fight this idea of grace, freely given, that washes you bleached white. Grace that is not poorly covering your sin, but grace that has washed it all away as totally as bleach washes your mother's sheets crisp and spotless white.

 

"But how could anyone love me that much if they really knew what I am?"

 

This is the mystery, the greatness, that has left generations in awe. There is no human reasoning that could explain a love like His. A love that sees, not passed our sin, but sees us as though we had never sinned. Who does not see us as we once were, but as we never can be on earth, sinless, flawless, perfect.

 

There is nothing we can do to attain this perfection in His eyes. No number of works or words. It is the amazing grace extended to us, the righteousness of His own Son.

 

"He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him" (2 Corinthians 5:21).

 

 

And Then...It Didn't Happen

There was a determined air to her little chin as she jutted it out as if to dared anyone to challenge her. She was five and she was already tired of the looks people gave down their noses when she answered their all important question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" They could laugh and sneer and pass those "knowing" looks around her for a hundred years and that could not change the dream buried deep within her little girl heart. Yes, despite all the scorn she knew what she wanted to be when she grew up. She wanted to be a wife and a mother. She wanted to keep a house, change dippers, wipe little faces, and be there to welcome her husband home at the end of a long day.

 

Maybe her thoughts were not quite as detailed as that, but over time they would grow to be. At five she never even doubted it would happen. At twelve, sixteen, eighteen and even twenty she never doubted and her dream stood strong. And then, after that as each year passed, doubts began to creep in and the dream began to crack just a little and the sureness she had once had began to waver. Would it fall?

 

~

Are you that girl? Are you passing up your twenties with the speed of a freight train on a rickety track feeling that any minute you may come to a bridge that will not hold your dreams up and they will come crashing down all around you? You wanted nothing more than to marry young and thought that by now you would have a house full of little ones. Only, it didn't happen.

 

So now what? What do you do with those desires? And are those desires being shaped in God glorifying ways?

 

I recently sat down to write, to try to make sense of the many thoughts and questions that whirled in my own head. While I was sitting there, fingers poised over the keys, questions began to pop out on the page. "What is it that I desire from marriage? Why do I desire these things? Are they godly desires or selfish ones?"

 

Those were some deep questions but I really did want know my heart answers. As is often my habit when I have something to think through, I slipped on my shoes and set out on a walk, book and pen in hand.

 

As I walked answers did not magically appear, instead, even more questions crammed themselves out through my pen and onto the spaces between the lines. "Why is that I desire marriage? Is it so that I can give, or so that I can take? Is the appeal in having someone to share my life with, or is it sharing someone else's life with them? Is it about my plans being accomplished, or is it about God's plans being fulfilled? Is it about my success and my dreams coming true. Is it about my happiness?

Now, I know that these questions are not an answer to what you should do with your own desires for marriage. And I know that they probably are not consolation to a lonely heart and that they probably cannot mend the cracks in your dreams. They cannot wipe away any doubts you may be having in the likelihood of your own wedding ever being more than a board on Pinterest, but maybe, just maybe they can show you some areas in your thought life that are a little warped. Perhaps you might find that some of your desires are more selfish and less godly, and what better time to realize that than now? Now when you have an opportunity to seek the Lord's strength in realigning your desires with His before your emotions become entangled in a relationship.

 

Maybe I do not have any more answers than you do, but I do know that for you, and for me, and for every other person who has dreams that they feel are crumbling, that God has a plan and it is perfect. How do I know this? Because each day as I seek to align my dreams with His plans He has been showing me that His hands are in the smallest of details. Do not despair my friend, He is faithful. Seek after Him with all your heart and He will meet you there.

"For He satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul

with goodness." ~ Psalm 107:9

 

 

 

 

 

Each Day, a Gift



It started like any other ordinary day, but the ending was far from what I could have imagined. That was the day we learned that one of my younger sisters has type 1 diabetes.

 

It got me thinking. We have this expectation that each day will be a continuance of the last. We wisely do not borrow trouble, but trust that the Lord knows what plans He has for us and will provide strength accordingly. Yet, there is one thing that I have found, while it is good to not worry about tomorrows, it is not good to take things for granted. Neither health, nor loved ones, nor life. Thank God for the blessings He bestows, treasure them, treat each day as if it might be your last...day of good health...day with those you love...day to live on this earth. Do not live in fear of what could happen, and look with joy towards a future with the Lord in eternity, but do not take today or what it holds for granted. The things of this life are fleeting.