Monday, June 9, 2014

Even Here

The crunching sound of feet pounding on gravel.
The smell of dust as it swirls on the wind, blowing from a nearby cotton field
freshly plowed.
My breath comes quick, inhaling, exhaling at an accelerated pace.
In out, in out. My lungs begin to tire, yet I push on.
I glance down at my feet, willing them to keep stepping, and then up again at my distant goal.
Closer and closer. I can make out more detail, see the familiar growth that lines the side of the road.
I squint my eyes, and breath hard.
I can do this. I will my legs to keep on taking steps, my feet
to keep rising and falling.

This is the second time to day, running down this road.
The second time to urge my legs to keep on moving, my feet to crunch the gravel.
My mind starts to wonder a little as I keep pressing, pushing into
what was a breeze that is now a wind.
But no, I focus. One foot, and then another. This is not the time or place for deep thought. I look ahead, nearly there now.
I reach my goal, a corner post standing up among the weeds.
I gasp for air as I turn to walk the other way, to cool down.
I look into the golden glow of the sunset. I do not marvel at it's beauty this time.
I just glance down at my dusty shoes.
Thoughts come.
I cannot outrun them. I sigh.

 "Father, I don't know Your plan," I whisper. "And now, right now...right now I cannot even see Your hand."
I glance up, and see brown air in the distance. Dust on the wind.
"I want to see...but more to know, to trust..."
I bite my lip, I close my eyes for just a minute, my feet still walking me forward slowly.
"Lord, I know that You are there, I know that You care...
I know You see my heart.
You are GOOD..."
I sigh, softly pushing air through drying lips.
My heart is heavy as it thumbs hard against my ribs. I know He's listening so I stop. I turn to face the wind and close my eyes.

"You formed me, You rescued me, You know my heart...You are my God..."
I scrunch my eyes tight and slowly exhale.
"I don't know where You are taking me. I don't understand why...
But I'll trust You...for today."
I open my eyes and look up at dirty blue with a now golden hue. I look way up at the sky.
"Tomorrow...I cannot promise. I want to...
But I may falter...I may even run..." I whisper within my heart, knowing He hears.
I wish to be brave, to be strong, but I know the truth. I am weak.
I always fail. I always run.

I turn and beginning walking slowly homeward. Yes, I always run...
But He doesn't stand back and watch me leave.
I blink hard at the wetness in my eyes. No, He never lets me go alone.
He runs with me.
Right there beside me.
A verse I memorized long ago comes to mind as I continue homeward.
"Whither shall I go from Thy spirit?
or whither shall I flee from Thy from they presence? If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold,
thou art there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the
uttermost parts of the sea;
Even there
shall Thy hand lead me, and Thy right hand shall hold me."

Yes, even there when I am running.
Even there when I am afraid. He's always there. He's holding, He's leading.
Yes, He is GOOD.
My lips turn slightly upward, the burden starts to slip away.
My hands relax at my side.
Yes, He is Good...even here. Even when I can't see.
Even when tomorrow is unknown.
Yes...especially here.

"On the day I called, You answered me; my strength of soul you increased."
Psalm 138:3

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