Despising the Gift?

The sun beat hard my forehead as my eyes scanned the horizon.

A puffing breeze made the warmness just bearable.

"Lord God Almighty, Creator of the universe...You are powerful,

Your might extends across the heavens and the earth.

Your love to all generations..."

My eyes descend the earth just in front of my feet.

"You are amazing in every way, and you love me..."

I shake my head.

"Then why is it that I feel so empty? Why will this thirst not be quenched?"

My skin is sticky, but I stay there in the sun.

Waiting.

Hoping for an answer.

I sigh and turn to go in, out of the mugginess, the question still there.

"Why?"

The day moves on. I focus. I work hard. I accomplish many goals.

And yet, I want more. I even think that I need more.

I clock out. The work day completed. I sit back, I pray.

"Father, fill me up. Be my everything. My all.

Let this ache, this burning ache, go away. Be my comfort. Still my heart."

The day goes on and I do some chores, get ready for the next day.

Yet, in it all the whispered prayer for more, for deliverance

continues with each breath.

The sun is setting, the breeze has cooled, and the smell of rain lingers in the air.

I walk slowly along the familiar gravel pathway, listening to the rustling

of the wind running through the fields.

The prayer from earlier echos even stronger within my heart.

"Lord, my God, my Father -- I know that You do all things well and for good...

but why must this ache persist? Why must I always feel like

a pilgrim in the desert, dying of thirst?"

I listen as I walk, and pray for more of Him and then it comes.

A question.

"What if this ache isn't suppose to go away? What if this thirst isn't supposed to die? What if the very thing you beg for Him to take is the very gift

He gave?"

I stand still as the wind tugs at my hair.

I stare up into the cloud-filled heavens. I smell rain's sweet sent.

"What if this thirst, this ache for more, was a gift?

Hadn't I just prayed the day before, telling Him that I wanted to long for Him more than ANYTHING?

What if this was the answer?

What if this need, this brokenness, was the gift?"

My mind wondered.

2 Corinthians 12:9 came into focus.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness."

Was this weakness? Was this where His strength could be

perfected? Where glory could be given?"

"Maybe once again I was trying to get rid of the pain and discomfort that was meant to be kept?

Maybe I was trying to be whole when I can best serve Him

broken?"

The thoughts continued to tumble.

"Yes, maybe this thirst so deep that nothing but Him alone can satisfy was a gift. Maybe it wasn't something to try to shake

or loose, but something to embrace. To treasure.

Maybe this ache that kept driving me to my knees and into His arms

was something I didn't want to loose?

Maybe it was a reminder

of how very wonderful and awesome He is?

Maybe it was what I'd been praying for all along? A chance to never, ever

loose sight of His face. To never stop seeking Him with

all that I am?"

I began to walk again.

"Thank You, Lord, for meeting me here.

For speaking to my weary and longing heart.

Thank you for reminding me that sometimes we shouldn't seek to

escape the hardship, the weaknesses, but instead we should embrace them. Cling to them...because in that brokenness and need, there are You found.

There are You glorified."

The corners of my mouth lifted into a little smile.A sigh made its way from my heart to my lips.

He always meets me here. In the quite. In the stillness.

He always meets me here and whispers words into my ear that I never dreamed I'd hear.

His grace is amazing. His love and mercy never ending. And His

steadfastness is as constant as the rising and setting of the sun.

And once again my soul rejoices, because He is GOOD.

~~~~

"Who have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth:

but  God is the strength of my heart

and my portion for ever."

Psalm 75: 25 & 26

Even Here

The crunching sound of feet pounding on gravel.

The smell of dust as it swirls on the wind, blowing from a nearby cotton field

freshly plowed.

My breath comes quick, inhaling, exhaling at an accelerated pace.

In out, in out. My lungs begin to tire, yet I push on.

I glance down at my feet, willing them to keep stepping, and then up again at my distant goal.

Closer and closer. I can make out more detail, see the familiar growth that lines the side of the road.

I squint my eyes, and breath hard.

I can do this. I will my legs to keep on taking steps, my feet

to keep rising and falling.

This is the second time to day, running down this road.

The second time to urge my legs to keep on moving, my feet to crunch the gravel.

My mind starts to wonder a little as I keep pressing, pushing into

what was a breeze that is now a wind.

But no, I focus. One foot, and then another. This is not the time or place for deep thought. I look ahead, nearly there now.

I reach my goal, a corner post standing up among the weeds.

I gasp for air as I turn to walk the other way, to cool down.

I look into the golden glow of the sunset. I do not marvel at it's beauty this time.

I just glance down at my dusty shoes.

Thoughts come.

I cannot outrun them. I sigh.

 "Father, I don't know Your plan," I whisper. "And now, right now...right now I cannot even see Your hand."

I glance up, and see brown air in the distance. Dust on the wind.

"I want to see...but more to know, to trust..."

I bite my lip, I close my eyes for just a minute, my feet still walking me forward slowly.

"Lord, I know that You are there, I know that You care...

I know You see my heart.

You are GOOD..."

I sigh, softly pushing air through drying lips.

My heart is heavy as it thumbs hard against my ribs. I know He's listening so I stop. I turn to face the wind and close my eyes.

"You formed me, You rescued me, You know my heart...You are my God..."

I scrunch my eyes tight and slowly exhale.

"I don't know where You are taking me. I don't understand why...

But I'll trust You...for today."

I open my eyes and look up at dirty blue with a now golden hue. I look way up at the sky.

"Tomorrow...I cannot promise. I want to...

But I may falter...I may even run..." I whisper within my heart, knowing He hears.

I wish to be brave, to be strong, but I know the truth. I am weak.

I always fail. I always run.

I turn and beginning walking slowly homeward. Yes, I always run...

But He doesn't stand back and watch me leave.

I blink hard at the wetness in my eyes. No, He never lets me go alone.

He runs with me.

Right there beside me.

A verse I memorized long ago comes to mind as I continue homeward.

"Whither shall I go from Thy spirit?

or whither shall I flee from Thy from they presence? If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold,

thou art there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the

uttermost parts of the sea;

Even there

shall Thy hand lead me, and Thy right hand shall hold me."

Yes, even there when I am running.

Even there when I am afraid. He's always there. He's holding, He's leading.

Yes, He is GOOD.

My lips turn slightly upward, the burden starts to slip away.

My hands relax at my side.

Yes, He is Good...even here. Even when I can't see.

Even when tomorrow is unknown.

Yes...especially here.

"On the day I called, You answered me; my strength of soul you increased."

Psalm 138:3

Procrastination, A Lack of Trust

February 5, 2014

Have you ever been so busy that you never seem to have a down moment? You go from one task to another all day long and reach each evening feeling further behind instead of more caught up. You tell your friends you would love to join them in this or that, but you are just too busy and cannot spare time just now. And yet, beneath all of the busy you are procrastinating.

Have you been there? I have.

Some of my own struggles in procrastinating has been rooted in my fear of being still, quiet, and trusting in the unseen hand of God Almighty. To cover up any sense of guilt or shame for not trusting, I often allow myself to become super busy and tell myself that each task is important and the world would all but stop if I stopped. Can you say pride and foolishness?

This ultimate struggle to surrender and let go of control, placing my trust in the One who is most worthy of trust, pushes me into a tizzy. I go and go and go until one day I realize that it is all empty. I am busy, but it amounts to nothing more than burned energy and a dissatisfied heart.

Have you allowed procrastination and busyness to rob you of the joy of being still and letting God be God? Have you taken matters into your own frail hands and "made" a life for yourself that is deceivingly full, but frightfully empty? If you have, I challenge you to be still and let that truth sink in. Then take some time and talk with the Lord about this area of sin in your life and start tomorrow afresh. Start by being prayerful and careful about what you say "yes" to and what you need to say "no" to.

He is worthy of our trust, and He has so much more for us then empty busyness.

"O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him" (Psalm 34:8).

Restless Days

Previously written

Restless days. We've all had them. They are the days when your mind all but refuses to focus on what is at hand and where everything you know you should do seem pointless. If you are like me, it also means many longing glances out of the window, wishing you were out climbing some far off hills, enjoying a quite day with nature and your quickly moving thoughts.

 

What do we do with restless days? Days when we struggle to find contentment in anything at all. When everything we have doesn't seem like enough, and what we don't have looks unrealistically green and inviting?

 

Turn our thoughts to praise. At least, that is something I have found to calm the agitated heart and mind. When I have no rest it is easy to get caught up in what I don't have and longing for those things. On those days, usually later rather than sooner, I am reminded that there is nothing that fills the longing heart more fully then the Lord. Spending time counting my blessings and praising His name has a way of grounding me. What I wanted seems to fade behind that which I have been given. I deserve none of it, and yet it was freely given to me.

 

My restless day is ending well. A heart full of praise, hope, and peace. A sense of knowing that I'm right where I need to be.