Thursday, July 17, 2014

Despising the Gift?

The sun beat hard my forehead as my eyes scanned the horizon.
A puffing breeze made the warmness just bearable.
"Lord God Almighty, Creator of the universe...You are powerful,
Your might extends across the heavens and the earth.
Your love to all generations..."
My eyes descend the earth just in front of my feet.
"You are amazing in every way, and you love me..."
I shake my head.
"Then why is it that I feel so empty? Why will this thirst not be quenched?"
My skin is sticky, but I stay there in the sun.
Hoping for an answer.
I sigh and turn to go in, out of the mugginess, the question still there.


The day moves on. I focus. I work hard. I accomplish many goals.
And yet, I want more. I even think that I need more.
I clock out. The work day completed. I sit back, I pray.
"Father, fill me up. Be my everything. My all.
Let this ache, this burning ache, go away. Be my comfort. Still my heart."
The day goes on and I do some chores, get ready for the next day.
Yet, in it all the whispered prayer for more, for deliverance
continues with each breath.

The sun is setting, the breeze has cooled, and the smell of rain lingers in the air.
I walk slowly along the familiar gravel pathway, listening to the rustling
of the wind running through the fields.
The prayer from earlier echos even stronger within my heart.
"Lord, my God, my Father -- I know that You do all things well and for good...
but why must this ache persist? Why must I always feel like
a pilgrim in the desert, dying of thirst?"

I listen as I walk, and pray for more of Him and then it comes.
A question.
"What if this ache isn't suppose to go away? What if this thirst isn't supposed to die? What if the very thing you beg for Him to take is the very gift
He gave?"

I stand still as the wind tugs at my hair.
I stare up into the cloud-filled heavens. I smell rain's sweet sent.
"What if this thirst, this ache for more, was a gift?
Hadn't I just prayed the day before, telling Him that I wanted to long for Him more than ANYTHING?
What if this was the answer?
What if this need, this brokenness, was the gift?"
My mind wondered.
2 Corinthians 12:9 came into focus.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness."
Was this weakness? Was this where His strength could be
perfected? Where glory could be given?"

"Maybe once again I was trying to get rid of the pain and discomfort that was meant to be kept?
Maybe I was trying to be whole when I can best serve Him
The thoughts continued to tumble.
"Yes, maybe this thirst so deep that nothing but Him alone can satisfy was a gift. Maybe it wasn't something to try to shake
or loose, but something to embrace. To treasure.
Maybe this ache that kept driving me to my knees and into His arms
was something I didn't want to loose?
Maybe it was a reminder
of how very wonderful and awesome He is?
Maybe it was what I'd been praying for all along? A chance to never, ever
loose sight of His face. To never stop seeking Him with
all that I am?"

I began to walk again.
"Thank You, Lord, for meeting me here.
For speaking to my weary and longing heart.
Thank you for reminding me that sometimes we shouldn't seek to
escape the hardship, the weaknesses, but instead we should embrace them. Cling to them...because in that brokenness and need, there are You found.
There are You glorified."

The corners of my mouth lifted into a little smile.A sigh made its way from my heart to my lips.
He always meets me here. In the quite. In the stillness.
He always meets me here and whispers words into my ear that I never dreamed I'd hear.
His grace is amazing. His love and mercy never ending. And His
steadfastness is as constant as the rising and setting of the sun.
And once again my soul rejoices, because He is GOOD.


"Who have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth:
but  God is the strength of my heart
and my portion for ever."
Psalm 75: 25 & 26

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