Written September 10, 2012
A sigh escapes my lips...there is no one there. I look again five minutes later. Still no one. Have you ever found yourself constantly checking social networking sites in hopes that a friend gets on-line? I know I have. There are times when I want so bad just to talk. I don't really care who to, just someone so that I can get my mind off what is "bugging" me.
I am currently staying off most social networking sites where my friends are most active for that very reason. I realized that I had become dependant on talking to others because it was a way for me to escape. A way to stop thinking. When did thinking and deep thoughts become something which I wanted to run from? I used to sit for hours just thinking and writing our my thoughts. What has changed?
Maybe because my thoughts are ones that I have no answers to? It's easier if you have a problem to solve. You research, and in time you find a solution. But what about those thoughts that there is no real solution to as far as you are able to see. That is, no solution but to wait on the Lord. The ones that chase each other around and around your head and no matter how hard you try to stop thinking of them they don't go away.
Maybe because my thoughts are ones that I have no answers to? It's easier if you have a problem to solve. You research, and in time you find a solution. But what about those thoughts that there is no real solution to as far as you are able to see. That is, no solution but to wait on the Lord. The ones that chase each other around and around your head and no matter how hard you try to stop thinking of them they don't go away.
Today I have a little cold and haven't felt up to my normal riggers, so I've been sitting still. I caught myself glaceing at my phone to see if anyone had texted, and looking at my inbox for a new email to answer. But there was nothing. I started to grow a little agitated. Where was everyone when I needed to talk? Then a simple truth came to mind. The things I wanted to talk about, they are things that only God has the answers to. Talking them over with friends is not a bad thing, and yet, is it profitable? They don't have answers and you still don't, so you are right where you started. If God knows the answers, why am I afraid (yes, afraid) to talk to Him about these things that will not leave my mind?
I am afraid because what if the things I want are not what He has planned? What if He says no? What if He says I need to wait...just wait for His timing? What if He tells me that I don't need answers. That I just need to have faith and trust in Him? I'm not good a waiting for answers. I like to know what lies ahead, what the plan is, have a schedule. I don't want to give up all of the things that I have dreamed about and prayed for, even if only for a season. In fact, I just want what I want. Or do I?
If I think about it long enough. If I face my fears and if I take those fears to the Lord, He teaches me that I don't really want what I think I want. He shows me where selfishness leads and reminds me of a better way. His way. If it brings Him glory (which in turn brings Him pleasure) then I desire to die to self. I desire to go where He leads even if it means walking in ways that I fear to trod. I desire to learn how to wait, patiently.
The next time I start looking to see if anyone is available for me to talk to. I am going to try to ask myself why it is I want to talk. And I pray that in times when I am running, I will learn to seek out silence and seek out my Lord. That my desires will become molded more and more into the likeness of His perfect plan.
