If Only...

It is natural I suppose, that in my group of friends there has been a lot of talk about marriage. We are in that age group of what commonly is considered to be of a "marriageable" age. I have enjoyed many of our discussions for many good points have been made, but it concerns me that many of my friends seem almost desperate to marry. Comments to the effect of, "Where is he/she?" and, "What is taking so long, I am ready, yet..." have fallen on my ear more times then I care to count. Don't get me wrong. I am glad to know young people who understand what a good marriage is, and who are planning to marry and raise a family well-grounded in Christ. In fact, I would even say I am thrilled to the very tips of my toes, but I am tired of all the comments that show impatience. To me it sounds like they are saying, "Hey, God, are you listening. I am ready, so where is my guy/girl? Huh?" or "Hey, God, You don't know what you are doing. Now is the time for me to meet the love of my life and marry." All the comments about where their future spouses are and why it is taking so long, sound like a slap upon the face of God. It is as if they are saying that we. mere humans, know what is best for us, and God doesn't. I know that isn't what my friends me, far from it for they love the Lord with all their hearts, but in their inpatients for their special someone, deep down they are telling God they can't trust Him. They may not even realize that this is how, or what, they are saying. But this is how it is coming across, so don't think I am lecturing them, because I am not. I am just sharing what has been on my heart.

I've been there too. At one time (not so long ago) I really struggled to fill my heart and thoughts with Jesus. I was obsessed with the thought of getting married. In fact, I thought marriage was the answer to all my problems. Foolish girl. Deep down I knew that I needed a deeper relationship with God, not a man in my life to distract me from my biggest, most important purpose in life, serving God. Several things happened that pointed out to me how my obsession was not healthy, and open my eyes to the truth. Marriage wouldn't solve all of my problems. No man could. Only God could. Little by little God chipped away at my heart, and began to reveal to me the beauty of His perfect plan. Faced with the reality of five or more years of singleness, I cringed, but God kept working on me and asking me if I truly trusted him. Could I put my life, my future, into His hands? I re-dedicated my life to the Lord, promising to seek Him out and fall in love with Him. I laugh when I think about how blindly I made this promise. It looked so easy, that path so smooth, but as time went on, rocks did appear. Every day I must continue to lay my life down at His feet, and beg Him to place a deeper desire in my heart for Him. Every day He gently guides me forward...into the unknown.

I still look forward to one day, God willing, marrying and raising a family. It is only natural. At first when these desires began to resurface, I felt guilty. No, I wasn't to think of marriage, only of God, I would reprimand myself. Time, growth, wisdom, and the words of others began to show me a thing or two about the matter. Thinking of marriage wasn't all bad. I could think about it without compromising my promise. There are practical aspects I need to think about. I just need to steer clear of idle dreaming. It isn't easy let me tell you, but with God it is possible.

I often will be right in the middle of something around the house or at work and all of the sudden I will think, "I wander what he is doing just now? Wander where he is?" I smile and shake my head. "No, dreaming," I tell myself, as I smile and get back to what I was doing. Yet, I hardly ever can leave it at that. Images pop into my head of a smiling face, and hand clasping mine, a voice speaking softly with words only for my ears. My smile grows wider and my eyes take on a dreamy look. Then, I shake my head again, "No, I can't be doing this," I tell myself. "God, I know I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts, because they are making me discontented. But, Lord, You know my heart, how I long for the day when I will know him. Lord, help me not to dwell on the future so much just now, but to focus on what you have for me today. And, Lord, I just can't go without asking you to be with him. Wherever he is, Lord, just watch over him and help him through his day. Grow him in You. Help him to be a man after Your heart. May he honor and glorify You in all that he does today, Lord. Guard his eyes, his heart, his mind from all the wickedness that tempts, Lord. Be his strength, his shield, in Jesus' name I pray, Amen."

I am quiet for a minute, then I get back in the swing of my day knowing that God is in charge. That He does have a plan, and trusting that He will work it out perfectly in His time. I now longer have to worry about the "If onlys..." cause He has got it all in the palm of His very capable hand. And, that my friends, makes me smile.