My heart beat quickly as I searched, hoping for just a whisper of what it was I was supposed to do. The sky spread vastly, with no seeming end above. The stars twinkled brightly back at me. "Lord", I whispered as I gazed up at the sky, awed by the beauty of one of His most amazing masterpieces. "I don't know what to do."
As I stood beneath the twinkling lights that have always spoken of me of His mighty love, tears slipped down my cheeks. Desperation and reeling thoughts filled my head and heart to the point where they felt ready to explode. Desires that I could not explain by mare words caused a tightness in my chest. I wanted answers, I had none. "Lord, why? Why can't I understand?"
The darkness around me was like a curtain, hiding my tears from the world, but not from the Father. I did not understand, and it was hard. Very hard. But on that still dark night as I walked under the stars, with a deep and most urgent question (or so it seemed at the time) pressing so near, after a while I did hear a whisper.
"Trust me. Trust that I know what plans I have for You. Trust that I will be your strength through whatever may come. Trust that I love you more than you will ever deserve or comprehend. Trust that, though you do not understand, this is for your good."
There were many tears, many questions of "why?" but as the night wore on I knew that I was fighting a loosing battle. I knew I had to surrender, to let go, and it wasn't easy. I held my hands open, palms towards the starry host, head back, eyes closed. "Here, Father. Please take it. It's broken. It's hurting. It's weak. But, take my heart, take my desires, take my questions, take my doubts. Help me rest in You, trusting that You will never let me go. If it hurts, let it, if only it will bring You glory. Make that my only desire, Lord."
Trusting is not always easy, and I am not sure it was meant to be. If it were easy, if there were no struggles, then would our hearts be drawn nearly as close to our Lord's? Would our love grow as we learned of the gentleness and care He gives to our broken and bleeding lives? I think not. Growing and trusting are hard, but in the difficulties, there is a glorious purpose. We say we will do anything or give anything to only know and love Him more. When it hurts...that is the time we are called to give it all, every single particle, to the One who will never let us go. When the one you trust loves you, then the fear can fade away, and the peace of not walking alone can fill your heart. But first, you have to be willing to let go...even if it hurts.