Some days are up and some are down. Some days I wake up praising God for another day, and all I see is sunshine. Other days I wake up wishing I could go back to sleep and everything is dark and full of doom. I guess it will be an on going battle. Depression no longer consumes large portions of my days, in fact I do not remember the last day I was really depressed for more then a few minutes. Things are looking brighter, and better somehow.
This summer I have plans for visiting friends, study for and taking the THEA, and plans to put God first and to blindly trust that He knows what my next step will be even though I do not. I know that plans are not everything. I know that carrying them out will be hard, but the first step towards anything is said to be the hardest. I have made some first steps, now whether or not they turn out to be good first steps, I have yet to find out.
I am not sure that I am up to whatever God sees fit to be my next challenge, but I have told Him that what I want more then all else, is to follow Him, to know Him better. I have whispered for Him to do what it takes, to break me. When I am broken, only then, do I feel my great need for Him. I could cry when I think that breaking me might mean losing something dear to me. I do not want God to break me at the cost of others. I think, I would rather die, but I am struggling to let go of my fears, and to trust that He knows best, and that He will not allow the suffering of others to be the only means of reaching me.
I do not believe that God makes bad things happen. I like to think that He only allows bad things to happen because He knows that that might be His best means of reaching us. Then when bad things happen, He reaches down and touches our lives in such ways that we know He is everything He says He is and so much, much more. I cannot make myself believe that He would reach down and give me cancer, even if it was the only means of bringing someone else to Him. Surely He loves me too much to purposely wish that on me, but I do believe He would allow me to get cancer so that another might be reached, or so that I might be pulled closer to His side through the trial.
It is to hard for me to even begin to understand, but God, He sees things differently then I do. He sees not only the past and the present, but also the future. His ways are so much more far reaching then mine could ever be. His plans are so much greater. I do not believe I have begun to learn what He is teaching me about being contented, and about rejoicing in every circumstance. I know in my heart, that should He allow me to get cancer, or to become blind, or any number of things, that I should rejoice in it because He allowed it for a reason, and because He has great plans in store. But, I do not believe I could rejoice. I would probably be to bound up in being sorry for myself, to busy crying over what I could not have, over what I would never have. But the Bible says that life is only but a moment, a moment in which we are commanded to give God glory, not just sometimes, but always.
We get to caught up in the daily cares of life. All we see is today. God sees the big picture and I think that we need to stop daily and take a look at our lives through His eyes. Our life may not be all that we want it to be, it may not be all that we have planned it to be, but whatever we are going through, we need to remember that God is in control and He can use everything for His glory. Everything. Whether that be your bad health, your broken dreams, your stained past, or something as small as a tooth ache. God has amazing power and an amazing vision. Let's not limit Him, or limit His plans for our lives.
So while I am yet a weak sinner and have only the strength to whisper for God to do what it takes to get me running to Him, I hope that one day I will be shouting for Him to do whatever it takes to get me living for Him. Whatever it takes. I pray for the faith and trust of those who are willing to serve Christ even though they know it will mean death.
I have been brought up in a country where Christians have freedom to worship. Some would say I am blessed, and I guess I am, but I often wonder if it would be better to face death and know without any doubts that my trust is in God alone, or if it is better to be free to worship and never know for sure if I would love or trust God enough to face death for Him. Is it really better to love God only when He is good to you (in your eyes) and be able to worship in public, or is it better to love God so much that you are willing to face death for Him and to worship Him hidden from the sight of those who would kill you?
In America our faith is thought so little of, Christians are scorned for their so called faith. Faith many would turn their back on if it meant life over death. Faith that is supposed to be based on the Bible, the same book that many Christians have never read all the way through, and the book that they know relatively little about, the book that non-Christians have been known to be able to quote from memory better then noted Bible scholars. I am so ashamed of what the church has become. A group of people with limited knowledge, with limiting visions, with limited, watered-down, and re-written Bibles, with limited faith, and with a limited God. When I look at what the church has become, I am not surprised at what our country has become, or what our world has become.
We have a God with limitless knowledge, with limitless visions, with limitless power, and with a limitless love. Let's not limit Him. In our everyday life, let's not look at the world through the worlds standards, through human eyes, but let's look at it through God's eyes instead. Changing our outlook can change our world. Take the challenge and live a life for God that is not limited by what people think, but only limited by God Himself. The possibilities are endless.
When we are weak
Then is He strong,
When we can't walk
A shoulder to lean on.
In times when we're afraid
The Hand to guide us along;
Yes, when we are at our weakest,
Then our God is strong.